Millionaire
by Constance Greene
Summary: Axel Wants to be a Millionaire. “What is the opposite of cheese? Bacteria, cows, sausage, or bacon.” — Axel


Author's Note.

I know; it's crack. I know, you're like, "Whuuut." I'm sorry. But my brother and I watched a little bit too much of this show while we were on vacation ( having nothing else better to do ), and one day when we were helping set up our pool in the 96 degree weather with high humidity we amused ourselves by thinking: "What would happen if Axel was on _Who Wants to be a Millionaire?_" This is what we sort of thought of, when he uses the phone-a-friend lifeline in different situations.

* * *

"Hello Demyx, this is Wanda from _Millionaire._"

"Wow! Really? Hi, Wanda!"

"Yes, really. Demyx, your friend Axel needs your help."

"Axel actually called _me_?"

"You were my prime choice for this half-assed question."

"You have forty seconds. Starting now."

"Okay, Demyx. What is the opposite of cheese? Bacteria, cows, sausage, or bacon. Twenty-eight seconds."

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

"Demyx?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

". . ."

"I think it must be—"

"Time's up."

Axel groaned and made a face. "That's what I get for trying to rely on Demyx."

* * *

"Xemnas! This is Wanda from _Who Wants to be a Millionaire_." 

"Did I get in?"

"Excuse me?"

"I applied to get on the show – are you calling me because I was accepted?"

"Sorry, no. Axel needs your help."

"Axel. You were supposed to be on a mission today."

Axel cringed in his chair. "Can I change the call?"

* * *

"Saïx, this is Wanda—"

There was the inarticulate bellowing of a madman that greeted them on the other line.

"I think you might want to hang up, Wanda dear," Axel advised.

* * *

"Hi Roxas, this is Wanda from _Millionaire_. Your friend Axel needs your help."

"Yo." Said Axel casually to his friend.

"Sorry Axel, I'm playing DDR." There was faint techno music playing in the background.

"Uh, Rox. You gotta help me. You owe me. And you'd be good at this question."

"Wait until the song ends, will you?"

"_Roxas_. C'mon, help a buddy in need."

"If I remember correctly, you showed no mercy when you left me in the room with Larxene two days ago."

The buzzer went off; time was up.

"Some friend _you_ are."

* * *

"Larxene, hi. This is Wanda from _Millionaire_. Axel needs your help."

There was a click of the phone being hung up abruptly.

* * *

"Xigbar? This is Wanda from _Millionaire_."

"No time to talk, love. At shooting practice."

"Oh, but Axel needs your help on a question."

"Cool it, chickadee. To make up for it, I'll take him to practice next time and he can be a target."

There was a loud gunshot, followed by a cackle.

* * *

"Hello, Zexion. It's Wanda, from _Millionaire_."

"Is it now."

". . Yes. Your friend, Axel, is stuck on a particular question and needs your help."

"What is the question?"

"Zexion. No games. Here it is: What insect does the black lemur use to get rid of parasites? Millipedes, grasshoppers, butterflies, or beetle larva. Fifteen seconds."

"Interesting question. What do _you_ think, Axel?"

"Do you know the answer or not?"

"Naturally. But why should I give it to you?"

"Dammit, Zexion—"

"Humor me."

_Beep_.

"Time's up."

* * *

"Vexen, hello. This is Wanda from _Millionaire_? Axel needs your help on a question."

"I am currently undergoing a series of vital experiments. I cannot be bothered."

"Oh, I'm sorry, but—"

There was a crash; the tinkling of glass.

"Dammit, Axel, you made me spill this toxic chemical all over Zexion!"

Strangled groans of pain.

"Good. He deserves it."

* * *

"Hello?"

"Hi Lexaeus, this is Wanda from _Millionaire._"

There was a grunt. "I'm sort of lifting weights here."

"Lexaeus, you lift weights every two _hours_!"

"And when do you, Axel? Never."

* * *

"Xaldin, this is Wanda from _Millionaire_."

"And?"

"And Axel needs your help with a question."

"What's the question?"

"Thanks, Xaldin. What battle ship, sunk during the invasion of Pearl Harbor, is now a memorial? The U.S.S. Texas, Virginia, Utah, or Arizona."

"Looks like you should have paid attention in history class, Axel."

"Wait—"

He hung up.

"Who does he think he is, a scholar?"

* * *

"Hi Luxord, this is Wanda from _Millionaire._"

"Are you? Well, hello to you, too, Wanda."

"Thank you. Axel needs some of your help with a question."

"Oh? And is he going to pay me back with whatever money he earns from last month's gambling?"

"Err – yeah. About that, Luxord . . ."

"You'll give me the money, Axel."

"Right."

"Somehow, your tone of voice doesn't sound that convincing." There was a delicate click as he hung up.

"Dammit; I'm never going to get a million dollars at this rate."

* * *

Disclaimer; KH is not mine.

Poor Axel.


End file.
